Every One Of Us Loves Alex Ferguson....

Quick note

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 20:15:30 GMT

This journal's not dead, and nor am I. It's currently on a short sabbatical whilst I stop being quite so busy, and will return during the week for appearances every other day, hopefully. It may also have a change of format. Ta.

34 - United 1 Chelsea 0

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 19:51:40 GMT

Tonight's entry ate far too many roast potatoes. Again.

It was suggested by some, me included, that United would need the SAS to stop Chelsea's midfield in particular. As it turned out, that SAS was Scholes and Smith as they respectively turned in their best performances of the season as everybody associated with the first team remembered they were Manchester United and beat Chelsea.

So, let's have a look. Passion? Check. 4-4-2? Check. Ferdinand and Silvestre waking up? Check. Players taking responsibility and working hard? Check. That's what we all asked for, we got them, and we won as well. It's not a coincidence. And whilst the pervading feeling here is that this victory is merely papering over cracks that need filling with something altogether stronger, and that there are too many errors being made by Alex Ferguson compared to previous years, this victory is very much cause for optimism.

Smith's performance in particular was splendid. His tackling was robust without being reckless, married to good distribution and positional play. Like I've said before, he could develop into a very good central midfield player, but I still feel that this would have been better achieved with occasional appearances in midfield rather than him being thrust in there game after game. Also, Chelsea are not the most flexible team in the world with tricky central players such as Gaizka Mendieta. They have straight up and down players who are given a job and stick to it. I still think he could be susceptible against inferior opposition with these types of players, but it was very promising indeed.

Cristiano Ronaldo once again showed that he is at his very best against the best opposition with a compact display that provided United with a pacy outlet. Not enough good crosses again, but he kept two Chelsea players constantly busy throughout. Paul Scholes was superb with his passing and worked hard, whilst Ruud van Nistelrooy was strong as a target man and stayed on his damn feet at last. Mikael Silvestre defied his status of being rubbish with a determined display and trademark 60 yard crossfield passes, whilst Rio Ferdinand dropped the strop and hardly gave Didier Drogba a kick all match.

Wayne Rooney was absolutely splendid and is becoming every bit the absolutely divine footballer that was predicted of him with power, pace, intelligence and a fantastic work-rate. He is bordering on football genius already. John O'Shea kept Joe Cole completely in check with some bone-shattering challenges, and Wes Brown did the same with Damien Duff, whilst Edwin van der Sar produced a match-saving save and was flawless.

Which leaves us with Darren Fletcher. Much maligned and only worth 1p on Ebay apparently, he at least ensured he'd be worth the postage and packing as well now with a sublime winning goal, and although again he was left chasing shadows and his passing was largely inefficient, he put his foot in and worked hard and it was good to see him hit the headlines. I still doubt his long-term credentials in United's midfield, but I'm chuffed for the lad.

As for the post match interview conducted by Jeff Shreeves with Ferguson, I think many plaudits must go to Shreeves for having the nerve to tell Fergie not to swear any more as there might be kids watching. This coming after Fergie dismissed calls for him to step down as "Bollocks". They're not, Fergie, but today you helped yourself by helping your players play the way they CAN play.

The game itself wasn't a classic footballing encounter by any means, but it was a great old-fashioned full-blooded English encounter conducted largely by foreigners who seemed to enter into the spirit of things splendidly. I think you can tell the majority of the time the way a game is generally going to go in the first five minutes of a game. The first five minutes here saw United maintain some good possession coupled with some extremely close attention paid to any Chelsea players that recieved the ball, that suggested to me that United may well nick this one.

Paul Scholes cracked a fantastic half-volley just wide after a brilliant dinked pass by Wayne Rooney whilst Didier Drogba clearly had the teflon boots on at the other squandering some good positions on the rare occasions the United back four dozed off. Joe Cole spent much of the time bleating at the referee as John O'Shea continuously whipped the ball off his feet. Although Cole has improved over the last year or so, I still feel any chance he has of fully living up to almost unparalleled talent is at a club that will allow him consistent first team football in a position more central than he was playing in today. He was largely anonymous in this match.

United's superbly worked goal was everything their work-rate deserved, but they still could have gone in level as Asier Del Horno passed up a good opportunity before half-time. Frank Lampard inexplicably passed up two opportunities to hit free kicks at goal, but was far more threatening in the second half when forcing van der Sar into a superb point-blank range save after persistent work from Drogba. Drogba himself saw a deflected effort bobble past the post after a scramble in the United box, but at the other end van Nistelrooy missed a golden opportunity to double the lead as he smacked a Darren Fletcher lay-off over the bar.

Chelsea brought on Eidur Gudjohnsen and he ended up being Chelsea's best player on the day as he was involved in the move that saw Del Horno waste another great chance. United substitute Park Ji-Sung came on and caused Chelsea's tiring defenders immediate problems with his pace and directness, carving out a great chance for Rooney that was blocked. But United clung on until the final whistle, leaving Chelsea with only one win in their last five games, and leaving Wigan even hotter on their tail.

That is all, but you can witness a non-That Was The Week That Was article on United Rant from me here although it is just an old article I wrote on here. In a great turn of events though, the site got this link from The Guardian and has even made appearances on the BBC World Service this weekend. Good, eh?

I'm off to buy a bigger boat.

33 - Lille 1 United 0 / Keane fallout / Saha

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 22:20:41 GMT

Tonight's entry just can't understand how one sky can hold so much rain.

Stop me if you've heard this one. 4-5-1 DOES NOT WORK. Ferdinand crap. Silvestre crap. O'Shea crap. Fletcher crap. Smith crap. van Nistelrooy crap. Too many players out of position. Complete lack of penetration. Just not good enough.

This record's been played more fucking times than that bleeding Pussycat Dolls one. NO, I WISH YOU WOULD PISS OFF AND NEVER SING EVER AGAIN. I just don't know what more needs to be said, or indeed what more CAN be said. I guess we just have to wait to hear Fergie explain away a pathetic performance and more pathetic tactics with lots of bollocks about being unlucky and the referee being crap. Just you watch. I'll give odds of 1/100 on it.

Chelsea await on Sunday. Smith and Fletcher versus Lampard and Essien. It's almost as if the Marquis De Sade dreamt it up.

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I'd like to shake the hand of whoever it was that found out exactly what Roy Keane said in his censored interview, and brought it into the public domain WHERE IT SHOULD BE. Nevertheless, whoever is to blame for getting the interview on MUTV pulled is a complete fucking idiot. If it had aired on the channel, which is watched by my mum and practically no-one else, then there wouldn't have been half the fuss.

But no, further highlighting the vein of incompetence that now runs through the club like the River Amazon, they decided to haul it off the air thinking that no-one would notice and that transcripts of the interview wouldn't make it into the public. It's a tragic and really fucking idiotic chain of events that no-one comes out of with any credit, apart from Roy Keane, whose only crime was to actually care. His comments were, almost to a letter, absolutely spot on. Rio Ferdinand is an absolute disgrace at the moment - a phrase that is overused and rather dramatic, granted, but absolutely spot on under the current circumstances.

The only thing I can't agree on is that we should be getting rid of these players before we bring in new ones. As frightening as it may be, these are pretty much all we've got at the moment because Ferguson has become allergic to blooding a large amount of young talent at once outside of the Complete Waste Of Fucking Time Cup (or Carling Cup as it's occasionally known). So now we're waiting and hoping, with help from Ferguson not farting around with really, really stupid tactical decisions, that these players do find the form that almost all of them are capable of producing.

I'll be here holding my breath and presumably in need of an oxygen tent by the end of the month.

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It's all too serious on this journal these days, so let's have a laugh, shall we?

Look, Louis Saha resumes training tomorrow! And he means it too!

Right, time to run a sweep-stake on what his next injury will be:-

1) Trips over his front doormat and breaks his toe.

2) Drops a bottle of Wash & Go on his foot in the shower, breaking his metatarsal.

3) Gets his finger stuck in the button-hole of his shirt, breaking it.

4) Gets far too excited over the reappearance of Joe Mangel on Neighbours and puts his back out shouting "LE YAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

5) Acting as the referee in a practice match, he swallows the whistle.

6) Has a heart-attack after witnessing Paul Scholes timing a tackle perfectly in training.

Place your bets!

I'm off to research the possibility of monkeys living in the Arctic.

32 - Can We Fix It?

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 21:38:32 GMT

Tonight's entry would like a trick, please.

Matt Busby was a strong believer that you always changed a winning side. Why? So that players wouldn't get into a comfort zone and slacken off from the standards they had set for themselves. Bearing this in mind, what does Alex Ferguson do now, faced with his biggest crisis in 15 years? Because, seemingly, he cannot even change a losing side at the moment. Who is going to be his Mark Robins this time?

These are the main problems that I can see and that have been mentioned throughout the depressing, sprawling maelstrom of tabloid hysteria these last couple of days, and how they could be fixed - within reason.

1) PROBLEM: Formations. A basic, simple formula has given United success since the early 90s. Four at the back, four in midfield with two wingers, one floating forward player and one out-and-out striker. One or two years of a relative lack of success was no need for Ferguson to panic and start adopting systems that were completely foreign to the players employed within it. Nor was a relative lack of success in Europe. Our failings there were down to one or both of two things - an inability to sign the one or two bona fide international superstar class players that would have made Champions League success far easier, and Ferguson's lack of tactical acumen that could cover a slight lack of quality on the personnel front - a la Jose Mourinho at Porto. Or huge slices of luck a la Rafael Benitez.

SOLUTION: 4-4-1-1. Or possibly even 3-5-2. If Ferguson (and/or Quieroz) had the intention of trying to throw opponents off the scent with a formation change, then use one that plays to our strengths. Casting injuries aside, 3-5-2 would make good use of our defensive strengths. Gabriel Heinze has played in such a formation with glowing reviews for Argentina, so employing him on the left hand side of a three at the back, with Gary Neville on the right and Rio Ferdinand or Wes Brown in the middle would be an idea. It then allows two wingers to be played, and during defensive situations two of the three central midfielders drop into the back line whilst Neville and Heinze push wide. Worked alright for Middlesbrough, didn't it?

2) PROBLEM: Players used out of position. Doesn't help anyone. John O'Shea's career is folding in front of our eyes as he is shunted from one position to another. Kieran Richardson is not a left back. And Alan Smith is definitely NOT a central midfielder. His head-to-head with Frank Lampard next weekend is going to be a handicap match. Then we have Rooney being played as a 'floating winger', Paul Scholes as a holding midfielder and Wes Brown's occasional deployment at right-back. There are far too many instances of this. Like-for-like swaps mean that everyone knows where they stand.

SOLUTION: Surely Phil Bardsley's performances are a lesson to Ferguson that although resources are short in supply, that there is still enough there not to move players around so much. Stop putting players in positions they don't know or understand.

3) PROBLEM: Out-of-form players. Rio Ferdinand's sulk-riddled performances are so pathetic in so many ways that it almost makes me want to laugh, really. Grow up, you fucking idiot. What kind of cretin are you? Just signing a contract that it took you months to sign isn't going to make you some kind of messiah. Marry it to some good performances and then we can deal. Until then, take your fat cheques and piss off. And watch some videos of John Terry whilst you're at it. That used to be you. Minus the goals from corners, obviously. Paul Scholes isn't past it and it isn't ideal that he's being played too deep, but his performance on Saturday was the worse I'd ever seen from him. Ruud van Nistelrooy is showing me every reason why he is so hated by opposition fans. Things not going his way? Time to fall on his arse and whinge at the referee. Here's an idea, Ruud - why not try putting in a little thing called a 'workrate'? That might help. And stop diving, it makes me ill. That applies to you too, Cristiano.

SOLUTION: An all-round arse-kick from Ferguson. Simple as.

4) PROBLEM: Poor players. Mikael Silvestre. Am I the only person on this planet who looks at Silvestre and wonders just how in the blue hell this man garnered such a respected reputation as a defender for United and France? Error strewn, positionally inept and poor in the air, I've never understood why he is rated so highly. Just utter crap - except if you need an inch-perfect 60 yars cross-field pass. Alan Smith was not even a particularly great striker, so why would he even make a great midfielder when he hadn't even mastered his natural position? His signing was baffling. Darren Fletcher has been 'promising' for about 3 years now, but simply put he has no drive, no penetration, not enough of a physique, and a lack of confidence to dominate a Manchester United midfield. These are just the current players as well.

SOLUTION: Stop persevering with substandard players. Ferguson's stubbornness is just getting United into deeper trouble. Recall Jonathan Spector and David Jones from loan and get them in the team.

5) PROBLEM: Transfer policy. Ferguson's transfer policy makes no sense. We know we need a midfield player, so why did Ferguson pass over chances to sign Edgar Davids and apparently even Claude Makelele, as well as Mark van Bommel and Thomas Gravesen to sign Kleberson, Liam Miller and Eric Djemba-Djemba? Why does it ALWAYS have to be out-and-out youth? The signing of Davids would have made far more sense whilst we DEVELOPED a player in that position in the meanwhile. Similarly, why no approach for Michael Owen? Ferguson's persistent insistence on refusing to sign players to cover for injuries is wrong. Louis Saha and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer may not even play for United again. And as for goalkeepers, why did it take so long for Ferguson to stop faffing around with a position that should NEVER be messed around with, signing untried hopefuls and misfit talents instead of solid and dependable stoppers?

SOLUTION: See a good player, sign him. Or attempt to. Dispose of the idea of strictly adhering to a set plan for a certain position.

6) PROBLEM: Carlos Queiroz. His tactics are all very well at continental teams. But in attacking teams like United and indeed Real Madrid, they fail miserably as there is simply not the personnel to carry out such tactics.

SOLUTION: "Thank you for your service, Carlos, but your services are no longer required. Manchester United thanks you for your work. Don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out."

7) PROBLEM: Sir Alex Ferguson. A knee-jerk reaction? Absolutely not. Ferguson's extraordinary regular ineptitude in the transfer market recently coupled with an almost unheard of reliance on his assistant manager and a ridiculously stubborn attitude has rendered his position very shaky indeed. A refusal to admit he's wrong and change things is the biggest problem here, I think. It's completely ridiculous that Ferguson would much rather put his pride before the job that he is paid very handsomely to do. His stupid bickering with Arsene Wenger, outmoded psychological warfare with other opposition managers, and his babyish attitude to any media organisation that DARES to question his decisions are all the traits of a deeply arrogant man who has got his priorities all wrong. It used to be all about winning some football matches. Now he's trying to win against the rest of the world too.

SOLUTION: It's over, Fergie. Step down now and allow somebody else to rebuild their own empire. Let us remember a career of unprecedented domestic success brought through brilliant man management and a courage of conviction in wonderful young talent. But thank you. From every one of us.

31 - Middlesbrough 4 United 1

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 18:27:15 GMT

Fucking hell.

30 - United 4 Barnet 1 / Saha / Ballack / More midfielders

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 22:01:52 GMT

Tonight's entry is astonished at Jamie Oliver's lifetime achievement award at the National Television Awards. For achieving what, exactly? Being a sloppy-gobbed twat?

A few years ago, back when Skinner and Baddiel were funny (they were, kids, honest!) and were doing Fantasy Football League on BBC2, they did a great sketch where Alex Ferguson was sat on the bench at a match and constantly being bothered by little kids.

"Who are all these kids, Brian?"

"Oh, those are the substitutes, boss!"

This was around the era when the team full of kids that weren't going to win anything were around, and in some ways it was spot on. So after last season's assault on the Carling Cup mainly involved fringe players instead of youngsters, the youngsters were reverted to in a move that was altogether more refreshing.

So out came Adam Eckersley, Lee Martin, Ritchie Jones, Gerard Pique, Giuseppe Rossi and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake, as well as Darren Gibson as a substitute, shoving aside their Duplo playsets to attempt to provide some cheer after a depressing start to the season, and very well they did too. Rossi has already signalled his intentions in the Premiership, but Pique and Ebanks-Blake will be next into the proper United line-up, I think.

Also, congratulations to the referee for spoiling the game in practically the first minute by sending off Barnet's keeper for handling outside the box whilst under no pressure. I hope you're proud of yourself, you stupid jobsworth cunt. Jeff Winter will be proud, I'm sure.

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I know it's probably somewhat cruel to criticise someone for constantly suffering injuries, but really, can Louis Saha even get out of bed without getting injured?

Now, I'm sorry, but when a player becomes consistently injured like this then there has got to be a problem somewhere. Either Saha himself is pushing himself before he is ready and not fully revealing his true condition, or he's being pushed back too quickly by United's staff. I don't want to believe either, but I just can't remember a player who has suffered injury after injury after injury like this with seemingly no gap in-between. It's completely ridiculous. He's like the bizarro Cal Ripken Jr.

He might as well do something useful whilst he's in that treatment room and do what Norman Whiteside did - become a physiotherapist. Make some use of your time, Louis.

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A load of Ballacks. That's what's knocking around today.

Firstly, there's this where Karl-Heinz Rummenigge gets das knickers in von twist (multi-lingual genius, I am) about Ballack's unlikely move to United. Now whilst I'm as downbeat as anyone about United's transfer market dealings, I rather object to this arse making these comments. Bayern Munich have hardly ever attracted world-class signings to their team, so he can stick his comments up his Khyber.

Secondly, this pretty good article has a good old think about the possibility of Ballack coming to United, which I still rate as 'highly unlikely'. I can't see him going to Barcelona if they're only priming him up for Mark van Bommel's spot on the sub's bench, so I would imagine Inter and Real Madrid are the strong favourites here. I guess Chelsea could sign him as well to fill one of the empty seats in their stands.

Thirdly, Franz Beckenbauer is practically shoving him out of the door and towards Real Madrid already. Nice to know you're wanted, eh Michael?

Finally, Ballack himself is making Dave from The Fast Show look decisive. It's a tough decision. On the one hand, Bayern Munich have Owen Hargreaves. On the other hand, United have Mikael Silvestre. Tough one, Michael, I don't envy you!

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More midfielders linked. Yawn. And if we sign a player called Yaya then I'm emigrating to Pluto.

I'm off to watch this programme about The Omen. Argh, the dogs!

29 - United 1 Spurs 1 / Adu, Vieira linked

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 19:23:10 GMT

Tonight's entry agreed with Danny Mills' sentiment that Robert Pires is an "arrogant twat".

So, after two excellent performances the early season depression set back in with another insomnia threatening draw.

I'll tell you what alarms me most about the slump in the last season and a bit, and that is Fergie's complete lack of urgency or concern about the last 14 months or so. There he is, prattling on in interviews about bad luck and injuries without even a hint that he gives a fuck about what he and Queirozzzzzz are doing with this team. Regardless of financial restrictions and what Boring Chelsea are doing, I still believe we have enough to mount a serious challenge on all trophy fronts. But it is now almost undeniable that the management pairing are stunting this opportunity with transfer market indecision, poor team line ups and completely unbelievable tactics.

Nothing. Not a hint of worry crosses Ferguson's face. Now, either he doesn't give a shit any more, which I refuse to believe, or he arrogantly believes that United can still win the title being guided to playing like they have been. If this is the case, what a monstrously arrogant fool he is. For the first time in 14 years I have lost faith in Ferguson and now staunchly believe he is no longer the man to lead Manchester United and that we need to make a change.

Guus Hiddink, Danny Blind or, indeed, Mr Roy Keane - HELP.

On the match front, the first half was reasonably good from us, but I really don't understand why we came out in the second half completely lacking the drive and penetration that we had in the first half. We handed the initiative to a Spurs side that really are being grossly overrated (that Stalteri is fucking shit, in particular) in all but the midfield areas and in Jermaine Defoe (come on Glazers, get your hands in your pockets, you useless streaks of piss), and they took it.

Barnet during the week. PLEASE put out the youngsters. Give me something to look forward to, at least.

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A couple of particularly odd pieces of transfer news here. The Vieira thing will NEVER happen as much as we might need him, with Mr Roy Keane probably seeing to that. As for Adu....

Is this bloke any fucking good or what? Forgive me for being rather doubtful of his talents, but I'm not wholly impressed by the fact that he made his professional debut when he was 14. Why? Because it was in the MLS, that's why. This is the league where Alexei Lalas used to be a superstar for hell's sake. I'm sorry, but it doesn't blow my trousers up in delight at all. It could happen of course what with United's Nike and American connections, but do we actually need ANOTHER 'promising young talent' plucked out of an unfashionable league? We need players for NOW. Not some bloke who MIGHT turn out to be pretty good in the future, we've got plenty of those.

And if he was so good then Chelsea or Real Madrid would have signed him by now. That is the rule these days, after all.

I'm off to watch the Rome derby. How old is Di Canio now anyway?

Oh yeah, and my latest United Rant is up, like.

28 - Ronaldo / Richardson extends contract / Davids / Duscher

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 19:48:48 GMT

Tonight's entry would like to join The Sunshine Underground.

I think it was pretty widely known that Cristiano Ronaldo was the United player being talked about in the media concerning certain allegations, so it was not a real surprise when he was finally named. I don't really have any comment to make, because I don't really think there is anything that anyone can really say until the whole matter is put to rest one way or another.

All I will say is that if he is found to be innocent, then in football perhaps more than anywhere, mainly due to imbecile fans who will do anything to gain their team an advantage, mud sticks.

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Well, the contract printers at United have certainly been busy in the last couple of weeks or so, with Kieran Richardson being the latest to extend his contract at United. Excellent news, in my opinion, and certainly even more exciting than recent contract extensions for John O'Shea and Darren Fletcher.

But I must say that until his performances for United this season, mostly out of position too, I wasn't entirely convinced by him to say the least. His sporadic performances for United had suggested to me he was going to be the next Simon Davies (this one, not the under-achieving Everton one) rather than the next Ryan Giggs. I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only fan who was nearly gobsmacked by how good he was at West Brom towards the end of last season because I just didn't think he had it in him.

When he returned to United this season, I still wasn't convinced whether he could turn his West Brom form into form at United, and although he hasn't had the impact that he had with the Baggies that is hardly his fault what with being played out of position, and his form has been superb nevertheless. Along with Phil Bardsley, he has offered us much needed back-up in the full back areas.

How do you know if a player's truly 'arrived' at Old Trafford though? When they get a song in their honour. Listen out for Kieran Richardson's, Edwin van der Sar's and Park Ji-Sung's (ignoring that dog eating one) songs soon emitting from the Stretford End.

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Davids turned down United, did he? What a big surprise that is. Mind you, it's a minor miracle that United even got to talking stages with him as United aren't very good at approaching world class players. Just ask Zinedine Zidane.

In fact, I've not a clue why United didn't approach him this season. Davids is still a fantastic player and too good for Tottenham, and I await his imminent bust up with the club as I predicted it will happen somewhere around November. Although United are looking for a younger midfielder, they could still have got two quality years out of Davids whilst bringing through a youngster or properly scout a replacement from outside instead of desperately scrabbling in Europe for any scraps that Chelsea haven't picked up yet. Ferguson gets so fixated on an idea for a transfer that he sometimes misses out on an opportunity like this.

Davids and Keane in midfield. Man, that would have been some quality violent water-carrying.

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A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! This would be the greatest thing EVER if it happened. Is there such a thing as a spite transfer? Wonderful.

I'm off to read some redneck agendas.

27 - United 0 Lille 0 / The Injured Gary Neville Diaries / McShane

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 21:38:44 GMT

Tonight's entry imagines all the people think that John Lennon song is crap.

Back to 4-5-1 again = no goals. Fergie was clever tonight by claiming that Paul Scholes would occupy Wayne Rooney's spot directly, but there he was, tucked deep into midfield not entirely sure of what he was doing, leaving Alan Smith and Darren Fletcher not entirely sure of what they were doing either. Nice try, Fergie, but no cigar.

I really don't understand the selections either. Ryan Giggs has been largely absent in the last couple of games, with Park Ji-Sung replacing him and being quite marvellous too. So instead of allowing Park the chance to build on his superb displays and put some momentum into his United career, he's dumped back on the bench and not brought on until 10 minutes from time, during which he did more than enough to be United's man of the match. Completely ridiculous. Ferguson deserves as much criticism for this decision as he took for the formation changes, he really is completely and infuriatingly inconsistent with his selections nowadays.

He can't take all the blame though as we were awful tonight. Mikael Silvestre was far more reliable at the back although he had nothing to do, but Rio Ferdinand is nervy and lacking in confidence. Phil Bardsley and John O'Shea didn't support the 'wide men' nearly enough, whilst the central midfield formation gave none of the three players there a chance to do anything of note. Cristiano Ronaldo's distribution was abysmal and completely lacking in composure whilst Ruud van Nistelrooy was like teflon tonight.

A very poor performance indeed. Bollocks, in fact.

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If you haven't seen them yet, The Injured Gary Neville Diaries are the best thing now on Football365.com. Best bit?

"N-Everton are bottom of the league - ha ha ha ha ha ha - I ring up Phil every day to tell him and send him text messages (U R BTTM - HA HA HA)"

Apologies to sincerely_me and izzles.

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It seems that most of our best players this season are on loan in division one. I refuse to call it The Championship because it's stupid. It's fucking division one and it's lucky I only just stopped calling it division two as well. I digress. Paul McShane is turning heads at Brighton and suggesting a defensive future that looks very bright indeed for us.

By the way, I have patented any gags done about McShane's name with regard to Hi-De-Hi and You Rang, M'Lord? in the future, so don't even try it, alright?

I'm off to watch Hex. It's the British Buffy, apparently. If so, how come it's good and I haven't stuck my foot through the TV yet then?

26 - Sunderland 1 United 3 / Robson on Rooney / American article on Glazers

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 19:16:09 GMT

Tonight's entry ate about a million roast potatoes for lunch today.

What a difference a different formation makes, eh?

The type of hit-and-run performance that United became famous for when they didn't play at their very best, this more than the rampant attacking display against Fulham stands out as the reason why United needed to reshuffle and accomodate Rooney in a central role. It was a fine performance, with Phil Bardsley once again uncompromising at the back and the best of the back four once again as Mikael Silvestre stumbled through another ponderous display. Alan Smith turned in his best central midfield display to date and was excellent, whilst Ji-Sung Park (NOT Park Ji-Sung, I'm reliably informed) was once again marvellous and Rooney quite brilliant.

The debut Premiership goal from little Giuseppe Rossi was the icing on a very nice cake. This was a Victoria Sponge, in fact - not the best cake around, but generally very pleasing if a little tough in places. What that goal will do is put Rossi on the map and wake Fergie up with regard to his undoubted talent. It was just a shame that Gerard Pique didn't get the chance to do the same. Surely, given Silvestre's appalling current form, Pique deserves a chance? A lack of experience at the back could be a good reason, I guess, but yesterday would have been an ideal fixture to blood him in.

All in all, most pleasing and finally a run of results under our belt.

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Thanks for that, Bobby. Not too much pressure on him, then? A completely ridiculous view this, but apparently one that would be shared by many pundits. What happened to this superstar midfield that was supposed to be the best in the world then?

I suppose in some ways Rooney is a victim of his own ability. By being so good he immediately fools people into believing that he can shoulder the burden of being United's creative centrepiece and England's forward momentum, seemingly maaking people forget how young he is. As a United fan though, in some ways I would be happy to see Rooney have a quiet World Cup. Coming off the back of a World Cup where he emerges as player of the tournament or very close to it would, in my opinion, perhaps see him retreat into a quiet couple of years for United.

Off the back of a quiet World Cup, where players like Owen, Beckham, Lampard and England manager David Beckham SHOULD be the ones who shoulder the burden of the nation's hopes, I could see him answering the inevitable critics by bouncing back and having a brilliant season next season. As wonderful as his form has been so far this season, I can't help but being concerned by what the near future holds for him.

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There have been literally thousands of column inches written about the takeover by the Glazer family since the story first broke regarding ther interest - as a result it's now at a point where nothing of any interest tends to get written now.

Then along comes an American article about the takeover and is one of the finest articles I've seen on the matter. An outside view of the situation certainly does shed some interesting light on the whole affair.

For instance, the claim that the New York Yankees fall well behind United when it comes to merchandising sales and franchise value. Surely that can't be true? I can't imagine that even a fraction of the people that walk around in Britain wearing Yankees memorabilia (me being one of them, but then I actually follow baseball and I'm not just wearing Yankees stuff because other people do) walk around around America wearing United memorabilia. I know this type of figure is probably calculated on a worldwide scale, but I can imagine that there is a fair amount of Yankees merchandise knocking around south-east Asia as well.

As for franchise value, I'm less surprised at this claim but still doubtful. George Steinbrenner ("We must find Costanza!") is a notorious tight arse and would surely wring as much worth out of the Yankees that he can, not to mention the fact that baseball is just a wealthier sport than football. But who am I to argue with a well-researched American chap?

Splendid article though, and offering further proof for me that some members of Shareholders United have been exploiting these recent events to further their own media profile. Unfortunately for Sean Bones, he has the charisma of an ironing board so occasional soundbites on Sky Sports News are the most he can hope for. His emotive and well-rehearsed lines - "It's our hallowed ground" stands out in particular - are those of a man well aware of his raised profile. Shareholders United have become far too concerned with dictionary masticating jargon instead of actual action. Nobody can claim to have come out of this smelling of roses. Bones can sit on his self-righteous barstool tut-tutting all he wants. Ultimately, he didn't do a very good job of organising an opposition to Glazer's takeover.

My latest weekly collection of Unitedular nonsense can be witnessed here. In the meanwhile, I shall return prior to the Lille clash. Ta.

25 - Blatter on Rooney / O'Shea, Fletcher contracts / United abandon casino plans

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 20:06:50 GMT

Tonight's entry wasn't at all impressed by the chicken nuggets from Supreme Fish tonight.

It took a while, but Fergie breaks a long run of talking nonsense by slagging off Sepp Blatter. Absolutely spot on. I managed to hear a little bit of Blatter's performance on Five Live last night and it was every bit as watered down a session of questions as you'd expect. No hard questions at all just a long line of rubbish about goal-line technology and the suchlike. Oh, and him talking complete shit about Wayne Rooney.

I think it's absolutely appalling that a man who yields as much power as he does, completely underservedly, can be allowed to make comments where he suggests that a teenager should go and see a shrink. That's none of his fucking business. This cunt has carte blanche to make whatever ridiculous comments that he wants, not to mention push through the most utterly pointless and ridiculous legislation and he doesn't have to answer to anyone. Ferguson is spot on with his riposte but his questions won't be answered because Blatter is an imbecile of the highest order, and you know that there is something unquestionably wrong with a sport when a person like him is allowed to become its absolute leader.

Equally good a riposte came from Gordon Taylor here. This man just needs to fuck off out of football as soon as is humanly possible.

************************

Despite question marks hanging over both of their respective careers for one reason or another, I still think it's good to see United extended the contracts of John O'Shea and Darren Fletcher. Given immense responsibility in a Scotland shirt, Fletcher has given his best performances to date playing for Scotland. Although quiet and lacking in physical power, Fletcher's thriving on responsibility would suggest that Ferguson might do well to take him to one side and implore him to take more domestic games by the scruff of the neck in the manner of which he did so brilliantly for his country on Wednesday night.

As for O'Shea, well, he's reliant on Ferguson stopping fannying about with him and giving him a solid position to finally grow into. I still think his best position would be central midfield and it's baffling to me that Ferguson hasn't tried him there yet this season despite the pressure he justifiably put on him as a substitute away to Arsenal last season.

Mind you, it's funny to hear Ferguson prizing youth so much yet currently so reluctant to blood it, even in the Carling Cup last year.

*************************

The big question for me is - how much did we already spend on this project? That would certainly be interesting to find out. I personally see a planned super-casino as a potential Millennium Dome 2, so it's just as well they abandoned this plan when they did.

But United can't afford to be arsing around wasting money on projects that may or may not come to fruition. Plus, you'd never get Fergie out of the bloody thing.

I'm off to post turds to Sepp Blatter. Registered post.

24 - FC United / Benitez makes stupid comparison / Alderley Edgers whingeing

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 09:56:33 GMT

Today's entry is radio ga-ga. Stay tuned....

Now, let's try again, shall we? What is the Google Toolbar, ladies and gentlemen? Altogether now - CUNT!

I must admit that when the idea of FC United was concieved, I saw it as nothing more than a knee-jerk reaction to the Glazer takeover that people would get bored with after a few matches, and that I would much rather see people's energies poured into saving Manchester United. I've changed my mind now for reasons that this article on FC United covers.

Not only is it an excellent article about the club but it's a real insight to the passion and drive that is beyond so very many small football clubs, that don't turn over a huge profit or ever come close to winning anything. Run off the back of simply a love for the game. Plus, when a club becomes as big as United, I think it's healthy that there is an alternative for people.

I'd personally love to see an FC United game one day although I hear it's almost as difficult to get into one of their matches these days due to popularity as it is to get into the Old Trafford based lot's.

************************

Rafael Benitez is the new Jose Mourinho, but unfortunately (or thankfully, depending on what trait you're looking at) for him the 'talking complete bollocks' factor is the only thing they have in common. Yes, we might be on the same level if we resume playing a stupid, nonsensical formation and playing players out of position. But if not, then it's not even close.

This would be my combined XI for the two teams:-

Van Der Sar; Neville, Carragher, Ferdinand, Heinze; Ronaldo, Gerrard, Keane, Giggs; Rooney, Van Nistelrooy

And I don't think you'd find many Liverpool fans who would seriously argue this point. Indeed, there might even be a question mark over Carragher's place, but he just sneaks past Mickael Silvestre. If I were a Liverpool fan, I'd have been horrified by the summer signings and their D-list in nature. Bolo Zenden. Fucking hell. I'd much prefer to have no signings than him.

************************

Football players annoy some people in Cheshire SHOCK! Let me tell you about people from north Cheshire - they're always complaining about something. If it isn't people from Stockport complaining about having a unique postcode or people from Hale complaining about people saying they're from Altrincham, it's residents of Alderley Edge complaining about football players moving into the area.

These people are complete idiots. These people like to whinge on about United players moving into the area and spoiling the beauty of the town, seemingly completely ignorant of the FUCKING GREAT BIG SATELLITE DISH that sits nearby at Jodrell Bank. Just you watch though - if Wayne and Coleen put up a Sky Digital dish, I'll be able to hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth from down here in Surrey. Cretins.

I'm off to contemplate an attempt at passing Jodrell Bank into popular culture as rhyming slang for 'wank'. Back tomorrow, ta.

NNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGH

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 21:31:14 GMT

Tonight's entry was here but disappeared thanks to the wonderful Google Toolbar! Which is a cunt! So it will appear here tomorrow instead!

But I did want to just say that you can view my latest contribution to United Rant on this page.

Ta very much. And once again, to Google Toolbar's pop-up blocker I say CUNT.

23 - Beckham / Miller contemplates future / Ballack

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 18:51:07 GMT

Today's entry thinks a Post It note would make a better England manager than Sven Goran Eriksson.

A story here to warm the hearts of United fans everywhere. Well, OK, probably not 'all'. Quite a lot then. A few. One?

I remember my brother telling me about a match against Chelsea he attended just after he'd signed for Real Madrid and was already being linked with a move back to England. Chelsea fans were singing, "Beckham for Chelsea!" to which one irate United fan replied, "You can FUCKING 'AVE 'IM!" A sentiment I'd like to echo, I must say.

Not that he will ever come back to United anyway, especially whilst Fergie is still attached to the hot-seat at Old Trafford like a barnacle to Blackpool Pier. And I don't want to see him back. His years at United were mostly overrated with occasional bouts of brilliance, with his final season being utter shit as he waited for his move to Madrid whilst peeling back his hair with an Alice band and saying to the whole world, "Look at my 'ead! It's, like, hurt! FERGIE DID THAT! LOOK AT IT! Did they get a good photo of that, Victoria?" That will be my abiding memory of Beckham at United, as well as his two year negotiations over new contracts.

Mind you, some of the criticisms of him in the light of his red card yesterday have still bordered on the insane.

********************

For those of you wondering whether Liam Miller is still alive let alone still at United, your answer is provided in this excellent article from Scotland On Sunday.

It's true to say that Miller's first season at United didn't go as anyone might have wanted, but he is certainly undeserving of being mentioned in the same breath as Djemba-Djemba and Kleberson in almost a Three Rubbish Midfield Amigos collective from last season. It's also ludicrous that Ferguson has opted for a converted striker in the role Miller should be filling. Although I had doubts about Miller's qualities before he even arrived at United, he deserves better treatment than this and a chance to at least show what he can do.

On a wider note, there seems to be a growing trend in football to play players out of position instead of finding a like-for-like swap in that position. John O'Shea's evolution into that much maligned tag of 'utility player' has come not necessarily because of any undoubted versatility that he has but because of Ferguson's reluctance to give certain players a chance. But now, O'Shea's career is at a crossroads, in my opinion - his form is suffering due to being shunted all over the team and now he looks far from being the central defender of immense promise he looked a couple of years ago.

Kieran Richardson's been shoved into a left-back position that might help his defensive game when he does take up a left-wing role eventually, but will all these games at left-back lead to Ferguson merely viewing him as a reserve to Gabriel Heinze or indeed O'Shea if he's not off playing some other position.

Here's a thought - how about trying a new player in the right position for a change? Lessons can be learned from Phil Bardsley's promising performances so far, and for the sake of several players' careers, I hope they are learned quickly.

*********************

I was greeting this news about Michael Ballack's likely refusal of a new Bayern Munich contract with some degree of celebration - until I read that Inter and Real Madrid are also chasing his signature. Well, we can cross him off the list now as well, I guess.

I've ALWAYS been annoyed and frustrated by United's dealings in the transfer market, but I don't think I've ever been more depressed about their dealings as I am right now. Every transfer target rejects us, or we reject them, or we don't even bother chasing them, or we lose them to another club. I mean, is this REALLY what should be happening to the 'world's biggest club'? We can't even blame this on the Glazers, this is the way it's been for years now, and it will only get worse.

Maybe we might be in with a shout of signing Lee Trundle. But Reading would probably beat us to his transfer.

I'm off to watch The Match - the true highlight of international week.

22 - Ferguson loses case / Ferdinand form loss / Gary Neville prank call

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 20:45:55 GMT

Tonight's entry has some amount of respect for Robbie Williams now.

Quite rightly, Jose Mourinho is widely being thought of as a wanker for trademarking his own name, presumably in case somebody brings out The Jose Mourinho Polygraph Test, that actually goes haywire if you speak the truth. Thankfully, Fergie probably won't be able to do the same.

With rather inconsistent laws aside, I don't know why all of a sudden he wants to do this. He's coming to the end of his career now, with these last couple of years being the most fallow of his managerial stint at United since the first four years of the stint. His marketing potential is dropping, and besides, who the fuck wants a poster of him on their wall anyway? That would be some sight to wake up to, wouldn't it?

I'm amused to find out that Michael Owen has his name protected. Presumably you can buy Michael Owen casino chips, Michael Owen betting slips and Michael Owen bill running into thousands of pounds from Ladbrokes.

********************

My grudge against international football goes far beyond the grudge that many United fans hold against the England national team for injuries our players ALWAYS seem to get whilst on international duty, or because of thick cunt England fans booing United players whilst they're on international duty. World Cups, European Championships - fine. But friendly matches and the utter stupidity of the scheduling of qualifying games, that means that the beginning and end of seasons become so fragmented, utterly infuriate me.

Which is why I have met all the discussion about Rio Ferdinand's place in the England team with absolute apathy. But looking at it further, maybe him being dropped for the comparatively lumbering but positionally superior Sol Campbell will be a good thing for United as his ponderous and crap form will certainly need to improve if he wants to regain his international place.

Indeed, Rio has a lot to think about currently. If he thought United fans were just going to be all sweetness and light with him after he finally decided to grudgingly sign a new contract in the summer despite all the support United fans showed him after the monumentally idiotic failed wee/container interface, then he was very much mistaken, as he might have gathered from the boos he got last Saturday when he was handed the captain's armband when Ryan Giggs was substituted.

He has a lot to prove. He has had room to rest on his laurels with the management as they are no longer brave enough to blood talents such as Gerard Pique or the on-loan Paul McShane or Jonathan Spector to replace him, plus the fact that defensive injuries have meant even less pressure on his first-team place, but the fans are far less forgiving and we have noticed, Rio.

*********************

You might not find a bigger fan of Sir Gary Of Neville than myself - but it doesn't stop this recording of an argument he had with a kid who was pranking his mobile being hilarious.

"Who's Tony Adams?! Shut up, you fuckin' dick!"

Quite splendid.

I'm off to find out his number and ask him if he'll come round and play Mario Golf with us.

21 - Keane's future / MUTV joke / Rooney lauds Rossi

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 18:40:57 GMT

Tonight's entry thinks it saw somebody who used to be in The Bill in Sainsbury's today.

Open season has been declared on stories regarding Roy Keane's future, but this one has taken me slightly by surprise, I must say, as I would have thought Celtic would have been a nailed-on certainty of his next destination. Maybe he doesn't fancy the idea of lining up next to Paul Telfer, and let's face it, who does?

I'm not really that sure where he would go in Europe as I can't think of anywhere that would be a 'natural' destination for him. But I'm going to plump for PSV Eindhoven due to their links with United. But it isn't getting one of my prediction seals, ooh no. I guess Spain or Italy are the most likely destinations though.

I can well see him taking the Republic Of Ireland manager's job though, just not quite yet. Although any time he takes that position will make me feel all warm inside wondering what kind of face Mick McCarthy would have on him when the announcement is made. Mind you, Keano would have no excuse if training facilities weren't up to scratch.

********************

This story has nothing of particular interest in it, except for the amusement caused by the first two-thirds of the first sentence:-

"Manchester United Television, one of the world's most innovative sports television channels...."

They're taking the piss, surely? It doesn't say much for all the other sports channels in the rest of the world when MUTV is put forward as a pioneer in innovation for television sports channels. I've seen more innovation on L!ve TV.

********************

Wayne's right - the boy's a little genius. Not that you're likely to find out much beyond an occasional substitute appearance in the Carling Cup, of course. But Rossi's a fantastic talent and reminds me very much of Michael Owen in his play, which can't be bad, and therefore might paper over the cracks of United not bidding for Owen for some ridiculous reason.

It is good to hear players coming out and praising young 'unknowns' like Rossi and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake because it gets them better known and it exerts more pressure on the manager to pick them. You'll rarely hear managers talking about great talent coming through a youth system for the simple reason that they don't want pressure piled on themselves when people start asking questions about why such talent isn't being given a chance.

Similar words for David Jones, Paul McShane and Floribert N'galula would be most welcome. Yes, you read that right. Floribert. If his nickname's 'Flo' then that's just so wonderful.

I'm off to set up a petition to ban international football.

20 - Ruud's agent / Eriksson / Diop / Iranian United play

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 20:34:29 GMT

Tonight's entry thinks Rob Palmer is the best TV football commentator around currently.

Compare and contrast this story to this story, posted on the same website within an hour and a half of each other. Paging FansFC.com's editor.

Editorial quibbles aside, these stories came as quite a shock what with football agents generally being such splendidly reliable and decent sorts. I mean, which is it, Mr Linse? Is he pissing off to Spain (Ronaldo swap deal, please) or is he staying right here? Come on, you're an agent! You're meant to be a beacon of truth and decency! Tsk.

You can always tell if it's a slow news day though when this story resurfaces. It's like the editors of the Sunday tabloids rummage through their Big Book Of Boring Transfer Rumours and, ooh, we've not done the Van Nistelrooy to Real Madrid one for a couple of months. We'll have that one today!

**********************

My knee-jerk reaction to this story, once again courtesy of FansFC.com, who really should start paying me advertising revenue, the bastards, is one of "THIS MUST NOT HAPPEN. MUST. KILL. ERIKSSON." But would it be entirely a bad thing to have England's assistant manager as United manager?

His club career was certainly far more sparkling than his international one, and one would suggest the day-to-day rigours of club management would be far more suited to him. Plus it would curb his shagging. Hmm. Interesting one, this, and his leaving England may well coincide with Fergie finally being crowbarred off his United throne.

Well, whether or not it would be a good thing, I'm placing this rumour with the Official Manurejournal Prediction Seal, like I did regarding the one linking Gravesen with United, and backing this one to happen. I should make a list of these somewhere so you can all keep score and see how great/shit I am. Judging by my recent record on football coupons though, it's more likely to be the latter.

***********************

I'm also placing that very same seal on this story. Knee-jerk signings are something Ferguson does well, and has done from Fulham before off the back of a splendid performance from Louis Saha against United prior to the treatment room threatening French striker joining United.

I predicted this to happen after seeing Diop's splendid performance against United on Saturday, but every time I've seen him he looks the part. Should be a straight shoot-out between United and Arsenal for his services....oh, and Newcastle, of course. My seal would suggest that this means that United will sign both Gravesen and Diop, both defensive midfielders, when we've got about 36p of transfer funds to rub together. Well, I've just got a feeling about these ones, and that the Ballack thing won't happen.

***********************

Ooh, four bits tonight! And I bet you never thought an Iranian journal would provide one of the bits. Well, it does, with regard to the news that a play heavily featuring United is drawing record crowds in Tehran. I know, it's all about as likely as a hit play about Kabaddi in Weston-super-Mare.

Whilst this dreadful-looking Goal! film starts to do the rounds, a pertinent point needs to be made that whilst football has never yet produced one decent movie to its name apart from the uninitentionally hilarious and extremely entertaining Escape To Victory, it has been treated rather better on the smaller screens and stages, and I really rather like the sound of this, I must say. I await its British run greatly!

By way of some shameless promotion, my first article for United Rant has been published and can be witnessed here, and has already drawn one unintentionally amusing comment that rather seems to miss the point of the article. Oh well.

I'm off to try and get helped out by Billie.

19 - Fulham 2 United 3 / Martin at Bangor

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 19:48:02 GMT

Tonight's entry reckons that Professor Stephen Hawking likes playing Operation Wolf on that computer of his.

Ahh, the trusty old 4-4-1-1 formation. See, Fergie, works a charm. Kamikaze defending, brilliant attack = win, in more ways than one.

As Andy Gray rightly pointed out on The Last Word this evening, it's all about Wayne Rooney's starting position. Plonked out on the wing means 50% less efficiency, one less player in the box when a cross comes in, and just less crosses full stop because we're playing one less winger. Absolutely splendid match, particularly from Park Ji-Sung who surely now has shown everyone that he deserves a starting berth in matches where Fergie isn't just 'resting' someone else. He's direct, he's quick, he's got a fantastic stamina, and he can pass. Bloody hell, this boy can PASS. Oh aye.

As brilliant as the attacking play was from him and Rooney in particular, it was slightly overshadowed by the defending. Just what the fuck is Rio Ferdinand's problem? Occasionally he'll have a match where he does absolutely nothing right, and there have been far too many of those recently. Whilst Silvestre, who I've never rated, is another stroller who looks half-asleep all the time. WAKEY WAKEY, YOU IDIOTS. JENSEN'S FUCKING CROSSING IT. Oh nice one, Rio. Did you think a sudden gust of wind was going to take it wide?

Another issue to come out of this game is that United really should be chasing Papa Bouba Diop as well as Michael Ballack. Now THAT would be a midfield. Isn't going to happen, of course, but that's the second year running that Diop has bossed the midfield against us, and Smith was really outplayed by him. Positionally he just doesn't have it, his tackling is still striker's class, and whilst his passing is fine, it really isn't good enough, and Essien and Lampard are going to piss all over him when we play the Rent Boys.

Sort the defence and midfield out though and it's looking far better. Imagine if we'd played 4-5-1 yesterday defending like that. 2-0 to Fulham and title race over.

*******************

After my round-up of recent ex-United players recently, I was delighted to hear that Lee Martin had come out of retirement and is now playing for Bangor City alongside another United old boy, Clayton 'Sunbed' Blackmore.

A very interesting part of this article is the part that claims that United still pay his wages. This is especially interesting when you consider this story from over three and a half years ago which revealed Martin's benefits fraud whilst he was a pundit for MUTV. It says there that he was living on £150 a week. Now apparently he's having his wages paid by United all of a sudden. Hmm, most intriguing.

That pass by Neil Webb in the 1990 cup final replay to him was just ridiculously good though, wasn't it? doubly so when you consider it was NEIL WEBB.

I'm off to count how many times Van Nistelrooy has been meant to be moving to Real Madrid now. 1008....1009....1010....

18 - Moronho on Queiroz / Real overtakes United as richest / More Obi

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 21:29:47 GMT

Tonight's entry is still worried about the escaped budgies it saw in Pets At Home today.

I'm writing this pre-Match Of The Day or Football First, so not having seen the highlights yet I'm not at liberty to discuss today's match, such a professional 'journalist' that I am. I would be brilliant writing for The Daily Telegraph.

So whilst we're waiting for whatever the fuck this crap fucking swing shit on BBC1 is to go off, we have Jose Moronho's latest cretinous utterances. I've been wracking my brain (whatever that entails, probably some 15th century torture device involving sharpened leeches) for the last few minutes trying to think of something that the idiot has ever said that isn't completely stupid. And have failed. Miserably.

The reason, you miserablist penis, that Queiroz has been in the media the last few days 'attracting the criticism' is because:-

a) Ferguson is boycotting every media outlet from Sky to The Walkden Bugle and therefore Queiroz has to talk to them instead.

and b) Because he apparently called United fans stupid and has spent the best part of a week desperately trying to cover his tracks in every newspaper, magazine and TV show that he can possibly get his boat race on.

Is that clear, Jose?

*********************

Reasonably interesting article about Real Madrid now being the 'world's richest club'. It's also, like so very many football-related statistics, extremely misleading, as I'm sure any Spartak Chelsea fan will attest to.

It does, however, for me, point to a future where players WILL be signed purely for merchandising reasons on a regular basis. When Real signed Beckham, they didn't actually need him, and club officials didn't seem that perturbed about the cack first season he had at the club because he was still bringing plenty of pesetas into the club shops. Now that he is arguably playing the best football of his life after a tremendous start to the season, he's doubly an asset.

I'm still not having it though that Park Ji-Sung was signed purely for merchandising reasons. As much as Fergie may be lapsing into the positively doolally, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have allowed this, doubly so when United's fan base in the Far East is untouched by any other English club anyway. Plus, Park's start to the season, which leaves me wondering why he isn't starting EVERY match in place of a rather quiet Cristiano Ronaldo or out of sorts Paul Scholes, has been so good that Fergie might have uncovered an unexpected diamond a la Gabriel Heinze.

Going back to these figures though, I can't help wondering what United might do to halt the merchandising 'slump' that has resulted from Beckham's departure. United's current first team squad isn't exactly blessed in the looks department, so cashing in on that isn't going to work. Nor are they blessed with the charisma of King Eric. So maybe this is an area that the Glazers might actually be slightly useful in, coming from America and what-have-you. As much as it might dismay traditionalist fans, United do need this money.

********************

In what has been a terribly dreary saga, the John Mikel Obi took a much-needed interesting twist with this story. The one outstanding statistic from this is the one about United submitting a 40 page document of grievances against Chelsea. 40 pages! Is that all?! I could have compiled double that amount solely against Peter Cuntyon.

I'd love to read it though. I bet it goes something like this:-

"We, as representatives of Manchester United Football Club PLC, submit the following documentation as a representation of our grievances against ~~those fucking boring blue cunts~~ Chelsea Football Club. Those grievances read as follows:-

1) Peter Kenyon is a cunt.

2) Oh yeah, something about that Obi wanker and his agent.

3) Peter Kenyon is a bald cunt.

4) Peter Kenyon is a useless cunt.

5) Peter Kenyon is a bandwagon jumping cunt."

And so on and so forth.

On a serious note though, a thread on RedCafe.net alerted me to this story, which gives further evidence that Obi's agent is dodgier than than a no-wheeled wheelbarrow. All kinds of suggestions have abounded about him having being given this money by Chelsea as a payment for a 'job well done'. Then the thick bastard tries to smuggle it through customs.

I personally thought United would have been much better staying out of this matter, and I still don't want Obi at United at all, but an opportunity to show up Chelsea as thieving, back-handed shitehawks (not that United aren't sometimes, you understand) is one that they can't afford to pass up.

I'm off to compile my own document of grievances.

17 - Keane / Bardsley / Old players

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 20:43:08 GMT

Tonight's entry apologies for no entry last night on account of a coma induced by Liverpool v Chelsea.

Well, we knew this day would come. Maybe now Fergie will stop pissing around with this position and find a PROPER replacement because Alan Smith is not the solution. He needs far more time than a bit part contribution this season to mould himself into a worthy successor, if he ever does become one. Two or three seasons are needed, and United don't have that time.

I've got mixed feelings about this. Keane's decreasing fitness levels the last couple of seasons, although performances have not decreased, mean that were United to offer him another contract, they are leaving themselves open to an injury putting him out for a while and basically ending his career. On the other hand, United's current financial plight (and it IS a plight) means that it's unlikely they could find the cash to buy a suitable replacement like Gravesen or Gattuso, and Keane staying will become essential.

If United don't offer him a new deal knowing full well that they don't have a ready made replacement, then they are making a huge mistake and I would suggest that if they let this matter run on past the January transfer window then it spells big trouble. Either way, this news isn't really that surprising but United must not dilly-dally upon its release.

*********************

It looks like Phil Bardsley will be the lucky youngster to get a push this season.

He would do well to grab this opportunity as well. With United mysteriously scouring the world looking for a new right back as I believe that Gary Neville is about to be shifted next to Rio Ferdinand in the centre paving the way for Mikael 'I'm not asleep, honest!' Silvestre to probably leave the club, probably for Juventus, I'd reckon, Bardsley has a great chance to prove that no such signing is needed. This chance is a golden one what with the sale of Phil Neville, his big brother being injured, and Jonathan Spector being out on loan at Charlton.

It's actually taken him a while to make this breakthrough, he made his debut a couple of years ago, but he has proven that it is worth sticking around a big club as a youngster not in the first team squad as you never know what might happen. I like Bardsley - his rugged style will go down well with United fans, and his willingness to get further forward than Gary Neville generally gets could see him play an important part in the next few weeks.

I do wish they'd recall David Jones from loan though.

*********************

I've been having a bit of a dig round to see what some of United's more recent old boys are up to. First up was Jordi Cruyff, who apparently doesn't currently have a club. United do seem to have specialised in buying players that will prosper at a smaller club but falter at United. Just look at Diego Forlan, for instance. Mind you, Cruyff is rubbish whereas Forlan just looked rubbish.

Meanwhile, Karel Poborsky was recently sacked by Sparta Prague and is now playing for a Czech second division side that he co-owns. He was a player that was sold by United and then went on to have excellent spells at Lazio and Juventus after he was never really given an opportunity at United. To be honest, United never missed him though as David Beckham took up the right wing slot.

Erik Nevland was a player that United signed with hopes that he'd become the 'new Ole Gunnar Solskjaer', before Ole had even really established himself at United. He scraped together the odd substitute appearance here and there before disappearing but reappearing in 2002 to hilariously beat Chelsea on behalf of Viking Stavanger. But he was evidence of United's occasionally ridiculously simplistic transfer policy.

Eric Djemba-Djemba? Well, rather like this page, it seems he just can't be found. Probably for the best.

I'm off to visit Mr Ben and Mr Jerry.

16 - United 2 Benfica 1 / Carlos: You're all stupid! / Greatest goal poll

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 21:22:18 GMT

Tonight's entry shouldn't stick his nose in a guinea pig's fur before taking a cetrizine tablet.

Better. Not great, but far better.

In the interest of not sounding like a stuck record, I won't harp on about the number of times Ruud was yelling at other players for a lack of support in this formation and instead focus on his best display of the season so far, not to mention the fact that Alan Smith's performance was not dissimilar to that of a headless chicken. Look Fergie, just because he's violent it doesn't mean he's going to make a great replacement for Keano. Don't be such a simpleton.

Yes, Ruud was splendid tonight but he can't keep on shouldering this large a workload as a lone front-man all season, or it will affect his goalscoring due to just sheer fatigue. Phil Bardsley was excellent at right-back with no nonsense tackling and penetrative raids forward that made you forget Gary Neville wasn't there. Fletcher was ponderous in midfield and needs to add more to his game than excellent accuracy in his short passing game. And Giggsy was the man of the match for me, showing brilliant energy and providing....SHOCK!....genuine width to United's play. Who would have thought it?

And as for Scholesy's facial hair, the less said about that the better.

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He's developing quite the acid tongue, isn't he? Unfortunately, the first time he bothers to open his trap to potentially defend himself, he goes and says something like that.

Mind you, he's only echoing the thoughts of people like Alan Green, who made an idiot of himself on Five Live tonight by saying that Ferguson isn't beyond criticism but that he should not have been criticised. OK, Alan, why don't you just go back to doing what you do best - talking....a lot....with exasperated....pauses.

Oh Carlos. If you are going to be throwing around insults, then please make sure that you don't use the word 'imagination' because that's something that your tactical acumen is utterly lacking in. I presume he does believe what he's saying though because thinking we're all stupid is the only way he's going to get away with suggesting that we played 4-4-2 on Saturday.

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What a stupid list. Some of these ARE great goals but this poll seems to be mixing up great goals with important goals, and the two really don't mix together at all well. I think seperate polls for both would have been infinitely more interesting and raised a fair few discussions, I don't doubt.

Best actual goal? Well, of those on that list, I'd have to say George Best against Sheffield United from 1971. Most important goal? Mark Robins against Nottingham Forest in 1990. Stupid list though and there are far too many obvious choices on there, ignoring greats like Mark Hughes's winner against Sheffield United in an FA Cup tie after a move that spanned about 40 passes.

But of ultimate interest in this list is the inclusion of Brian McClair. Choccy must be pissing himself almost as much as I did.

Right, that's enough of that until tomorrow but only after some shameless self-promotion. I've just been recruited....well, more accurately, I've just annoyed my way on to the writing staff of United Rant</b>, a fast growing online United fanzine for which I'll be writing a regular weekly column as well as assorted other bits and pieces.

That doesn't mean I'm going to spare your friends lists or owt - this journal will continue on an almost daily basis until it achieves world domination, or more likely, implodes with 4-5-1 related anger. I will link to owt I write on there in this journal and also on my personal journal, setting_sun.

Ta very much. I'm off to sneeze a bit.

15 - Queiroz blames forwards / Zokora / City campaign

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 18:51:58 GMT

Tonight's entry had to take a day off to calm down.

And the alarming thing is, he actually believes it.

Playing three up front? Really? OK, say we are playing three up front, OK? Where's the service going to come from? Hmm? The three central midfielders basically playing holding roles? Nuh uh. So, with no wingers, that leaves no service. So really, Carlos, even if you were right, it wouldn't matter if we had eight playing up front - THERE'S STILL NO SERVICE.

Yeah, ok, over a rather truncated last season and a bit, at times Van Nistelrooy couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo, so he needs to sort himself out. But I rather think the added pressure being piled on him to take every chance presented to him because they are at such a premium in this formation is contributing to a percieved dip in form. See, this formation business is affecting areas of the team that you wouldn't necessarily expect it to affect.

Also, what exactly does Fergie do these days? He doesn't answer the media. He doesn't pick the tactics. Sometimes he doesn't even pick the fucking team. He's become a large, angry, Caledonian ornament.

Of all the articles I've read regarding Saturday's match though, this is the best one.

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Before I get to the story, have you seen the poll on this page? It really is hilarious, and I'm sure Martin Jol would be equally amused.

Anyway, back to the story. Apparently this is the latest player that United have identified as a central midfielder. God, this saga is getting longer than that Mahabharat that always used to be on BBC2 on Saturday afternoons. Remember that? It was also about fifteen times more interesting as well. Never heard of this bloke but surely Lyon wouldn't be after him - they've got Tiago!

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If you ever wanted evidence that, as a collective, Dumplington City fans are largely complete dimwits, then this campaign should be ample.

You see, this is what life is like for City fans. Unable to come up with anything on a FOOTBALLING level that would annoy United fans because they've been good for about four years in their history, they have to search for other things such as this business about United not being in Manchester. So where, pray tell, are they from? Lancashire? Merseyside? Burma?

A very helpful map of Greater Manchester there, for those geographically challenged City fans, showing that Old Trafford is in Greater Manchester. Hence, Manchester United. Is this clear? Maps are your friends, not just for findind rude-sounding place names on. And to those fans of other teams who also use the "Do you come from Manchester?" chant - please, don't tar yourself with the same idiot brush.

I don't find this campaign antagonistic at all, or indeed at all funny. And nobody likes a laugh more than me. Except maybe my wife. And her friends. And as for this business of "parking their tanks on our lawn", I thought they sold Lee Bradbury years ago?

No, see, if they want to create a REAL laugh, why don't they tell us all the story about all those times they chanted for Francis Lee to become chairman. And he did. And they got relegated two divisions. Now THAT was funny. I bet you were fucking begging for Peter Swailes to come back, eh?

I'm off to look at some more maps.

14 - United 1 Blackburn 2

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 20:11:05 GMT

Tonight's entry is as mad as hell and it isn't going to take this any more.

Not too good, is it Chief?

Explain that one, Fergie. Explain how Blackburn, about the least ambitious team in the Premiership, can knock out a 4-4-2 formation with two proper wingers. Explain how we play a 4-5-1 formation with no such thing in our line-up. Explain leaving Wayne Rooney on the bench. Explain a large number of fans booing you and chanting "4-4-2!" Go on then. No, you won't, and should any journalist actually do his job properly and ask you the hard questions then you wouldn't answer them. You'd give them The Glare. And they'd shit themselves and be quiet. But I wouldn't.

See, now, I can hear some of the pundits bleating already. "How can they boo him after all the success he's had?!" Well, it's pretty easy actually. If I'd have been there today, I would have fucking booed as well. I'm not unaware of Ferguson's achievement of taking a perennial, typically Ron Atkinson-esque middle of the table side and turn them into the greatest team of the 1990s, a run of success that also nudged into the 21st century. I'm not unaware of identifying a batch of wonderful young players and having the courage of his convictions despite the doubts of over-exposed Caledonian pundits to play them. And I'm not doubting everything else he's done for the club either.

But not at any point during his career has Ferguson ever taken it upon himself to shoulder the blame when he is wrong, and now is one of those times. We are so harsh on him because we expect better and we know we can get it with this batch of players in particular. Past achievements do not automatically preclude him from recieving just criticism, and this is just. He deserves this criticism and I want to hear his explanations behind his decisions.

I listened with interest to Soccer Saturday this morning regarding United's start to the season. As stellar as Jeff Stelling almose always is, he's clearly had his vision of football clouded by the choking smog of Chelsea's stultifying brand of coma-inducing shit. Yes, this start to the season might be statistically better than last year's, but no-one is going to tell me that it has been at all convincing. And no-one is going to tell me that it's been interesting. It isn't good enough, this is the wrong formation for United.

Now today's game may have seen an enhancement in the entertainment levels but we lost to fucking Blackburn. Why? Because they beat us at out own game. They beat us with the formation that we championed better than anyone else throughout a period of almost unparalleled success and to thrilling if largely ultimately disappointing European campaigns. Having said that, 1999 aside, our performances in Europe were consistently excellent and suggested that 4-4-2 worked just fine. But I know the reasons why we didn't go on and win the two or three extra European Cups that perhaps we should have done - because we never bought the best players. If we had gotten rid of ridiculous salary caps and unbelievably stringent transfer dealings, then we could have added the Ronaldo or Zidane or Nesta to the team that would have led us to that extra success.

It was NOTHING to do with the formation. I really don't understand why Fergie has allowed this theory to refuse to leave his thoughts, as rammed there by Carlos Queiroz most notably. But whilst Queiroz is undoubtedly a key figure here, I can't think he's SOLELY to blame. Where were Queiroz's attempts to foist this formation on to Real Madrid, for instance? Never tried it there, did he? So Ferguson must take the large proportion of the blame here - he is the manager, after all, lest we forget.

It's not brain surgery, Fergie. Rooney up front with Ruud, playing just behind as Sheringham and Cantona did. Rememeber that, Alex? One player just behind the front man? That was quite successful, wasn't it? Ronaldo/Park Ji-Sung on the right, Giggs/Ronaldo/Richardson on the left. Two wide players. Do Sharpe, Kanchelskis, Beckham and indeed Giggs not ring a bell? Two central midfielders, one holding, one slightly more attacking. The personnel is just perfect for this. Get crosses in the box, give Van Nistelrooy and Rooney the service, and the goals will come.

What is so fucking complicated about that? Could somebody PLEASE tell me what is wrong with that formation? Because I can't see it. Barnet must be positively shitting themselves, eh?

I'm off to calm down in front of South Park.

13 - Muntari / Glazer on Forbes rich list / Giggs

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 21:10:27 GMT

Tonight's entry thinks Kevin Kline deserves carving into Mount Rushmore for his performance in A Fish Called Wanda.

It's often been my contention that United's transfer market policy is, well, bollocks. We are forever signing players for the future, but how about maybe signing some players for now? It's a wacky idea, I know, but it might just work!

No such wacky plans are afoot if you are to believe United's latest transfer target. Never heard of the bloke, although he does have a name that makes him sound like one of Jupiter's moons.

I'm not at all convinced, I must say. They make him sound like he must be a wonderful player by saying that he plays in the same Ghanaian team as Michael Essien, but we could do that with so very many ultimately average players. We could even make Andy O'Brien sound like a good player - he plays in the same Newcastle team as Michael Owen! Djimi Traore plays with Steven Gerrard! Doriva plays with....erm, hmm. I'll have to have a bit of a think about that!

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I've always been pretty good at sums. Very good in fact. I thought it would stand me in good stead at grammar school and that I would piss maths all the way to possible A Levels. But then they started adding letters to the mix and I was completely fucked. Letters in maths? You know what I think of Pythagoras's theorem? *farts*

I've been employing my mathematical skills to try and figure out the mathematics behind the revelation towards the bottom of this page that claims that Malcolm Glazer, the 258th richest American according to the latest Forbes magazine list, has a personal fortune of $1.3 billion. That works out at roughly £730 million on current exchange rates. Following this so far? No? Good. Right. He bought United for approximately £790 million. Yet it is claimed here that he borrowed approximately £540 million to buy the club.

Now I'm no businessman, I'm a complete simpleton when it comes to these matters. But these figures don't add up at all. For a while I did wonder to myself if, having invested what I believed was a vast amount of his personal fortune in United that it would be in his best interests to make United into a success both in business and in football. But these figures would suggest that the former wouldn't seem to matter so much. Very interesting, and very revelatory to see that the baggy-trousered old git is still completely minted after all this.

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And good on him too.

I'm one of those that believes that Giggs is vastly underrated in the game, particularly within the United supporter base. The genuine fans favourite heroes have come, gone or are still at United - Cantona, Keane, Van Nistelrooy to name the most prominent three - yet Giggs has never quite hit those heights. Yet Giggy's (another personal joke between myself, my brother and Miranda there) history at United has been far more consistent over a longer period of time and has seen a variety of positions and not to mention a fair few serious injuries.

Giggs in his youth was the most exciting sight I've ever seen in the Premiership. Whilst everyone remembers THAT goal against Arsenal in THAT FA Cup semi-final replay, his goal several years earlier against Tottenham at White Hart Lane where he had Gary Mabbutt and sundry other hapless Spurs defenders trailing in his wake with a weaving run and brilliant goal which caused the usually unflappable and much missed Barry Davies to completely muddle his words in admiration will be the abiding memory for me. I can't think of another player that has produced such an extended period of consistent excellence and occasional genius in the history of the Premiership.

And you know what? I could see him doing that central midfield role as his career rolls to an end. Just you see.

I'm off to insert random numbers into the complete works of Charles Dickens.

12 - Transfer rumours / Queiroz in motor racing

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 20:11:17 GMT

Tonight's entry is contemplating an experiment entitled 'Jelly Tot Art'. Hmm.

Fair bit of transfer news. involving the Manchester/Tampa Bay Metrolinkstars tonight.

Firstly, we're linked with the 'new Ronaldinho'. What, he looks like Dwight Yorke except with bigger hair? Bit of a stupid story, by all accounts. It's all very exciting for the first few paragraphs before finishing with a whimpering, "Oh, by the way, he's got a four year contract with Barcelona. But it's still newsworthy, honest!"

Secondly, the Salgado story resurfaces, rather disturbingly, if you ask me. He's probably the best defensive player of Real Madrid's regular back four, but that's like picking the best one out of Westlife. This would be another Queiroz deal, I would imagine. It's becoming clear why he was kicked out of the Bernabeu so quickly.

Thirdly, apologies to Miranda if this one goes ahead. Just the sort of player that United are looking for and of all the rumours I've heard recently, I'd say this is the most likely one to happen. United do need a player of his type and not just as a donation to the Roy Keane Retirement Fund either. I'm backing this one to happen and would be most happy if it did.

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Let's face it, motor sport couldn't be less exciting if they possibly tried, but a Sky-backed project, called A1 Racing starting this Sunday, is going to give it a go nonetheless.

Interesting to see that the part owner of the Portuguese team is none other than a certain Carlos Queiroz. It'll be interesting to see if his racing team adopts tactics similar to those which he's foisted on Fergie at Old Trafford.

Thos would presumably involve all his drivers driving REALLY slowly, and hoping that all the other teams conk out before the finishing line, and sneaking over without having really done anything. Hey, should be a blast!

That's all for tonight. I'm off to eat said proposed project. Mmm.